Bestselling author, highly respected psychologist asks: How much of yourself should you sacrifice for the one you love?

In her deeply personal new memoir, Bonnie Comfort shares the unfiltered story of her 30-year marriage to a Hollywood screenwriter

PORTLAND, Oregon – Can a loving relationship endure career setbacks, infidelities, and mismatched sexual desires? This is the question psychologist Bonnie Comfort grapples with in “Staying Married is the Hardest Part: A Memoir of Passion, Secrets, and Sacrifice (She Writes Press, June 17, 2025)” as she navigates her unpredictable 30-year marriage to Hollywood screenwriter Bob, while she provides marital therapy to others. 

Bob is affectionate, brilliant, and hilarious — but his sexual desires are incompatible with Bonnie’s. Despite her misgivings, she indulges his kinks, which often include photographing her in lingerie. Their Hollywood life is exciting, but eventually Bob’s growing career frustrations lead to his complete sexual shutdown. Tensions rise, and Bob suggests Bonnie have discreet affairs and not tell him. She does just that — but when she confesses her infidelities five years later, his sexual demands become more extreme. When she complies, Bonnie feels shame; when she refuses, as she increasingly does, their fights threaten to tear their marriage apart.

Bonnie understands the rhythm of disconnection and repair that is common in love relationships. With honesty and vulnerability, she recounts the highs and lows of her own marriage which sadly ends with Bob’s death. As she grieves, Bonnie reflects on her role in their marital struggles and offers profound insights from personal and professional experience. Her story lays bare the complexities of love, the ongoing challenges women face in intimate relationships, and how even difficult marriages can find a way to thrive.

“Staying Married is the Hardest Part: A Memoir of Passion, Secrets, and Sacrifice”

Bonnie Comfort | June 17, 2025 | She Writes Press | Memoir 

Hardcover | ISBN 978-1647429447 | $17.99

Bonnie Comfort has been a practicing psychologist for 30 years. She has an MSW from the University of Manitoba and a PhD in psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology Los Angeles. Her novel, “Denial,” a psychological thriller from Simon & Schuster, was published in eight countries and translated into five languages. As an expert on marital therapy, she has been a guest multiple times on podcasts about marriage and has taken extensive workshops with marital and sex experts like Terrence Real, David Schnarch, John Gottman, and Marty Klein. She currently lives in Portland, Oregon, with her long-time partner, Douglas Covey, MD. Find out more about her at http://bonniecomfort.com.

Follow Bonnie Comfort on Facebook

In an interview, Bonnie can explore:

• Breaking the silence – Bonnie knew that exposing the intimate sexual struggles of her marriage would be uncomfortable for some readers, but as a psychologist and a woman, she wanted to reach people suffering in silence, believing their struggles were unique or shameful. She wanted to normalize sexual variations and encourage more dialogue about it.
• When a therapist faces her own marriage – As a marital therapist, Bonnie helped countless couples navigate their relationships, but that didn’t make her immune to struggles in her own. 
• Recognizing control in relationships – Power in relationships isn’t always about dominance; it’s about subtle shifts that shape attraction and resentment. 
• The ebb and flow of long-term love – Many expect passion to be constant, but love follows its own unpredictable rhythm. 
• Why traditional relationship advice doesn’t always work – Most relationship advice assumes a one-size-fits-all approach. 
• Navigating sexual incompatibility – Sexual incompatibility isn’t just about mismatched libidos; it’s often tied to unique desires, disappointments or resentments. 
• Why women put themselves last and how to stop – Women are often conditioned to prioritize their partner’s desires – sexually, emotionally, and in daily decisions. 
• Owning your sexuality at any age – Society teaches women that their sexuality is either for male pleasure or tied to their physical appearance. 
• The fear of disappointing others – Many women stay silent about their needs to avoid upsetting their partner. 
• The myth of a perfect marriage – No two relationships look the same. Lasting love isn’t about perfection; it’s about resilience, adaptation, and showing up. 
• Rebuilding trust after betrayal – Trust is fragile. Some betrayals can be repaired, while others expose deeper patterns that won’t change. 
• How to know when it’s time to leave a marriage – Leaving a marriage is rarely a simple choice. 

An Interview with Bonnie Comfort

1. Your memoir delves deep into your relationship with your husband, Bob. What inspired you to write about it, and what do you hope readers take away?

Being extremely revealing of what went on behind my closed doors was a way of reaching out to others who struggle with sexual conflicts or feel sexually inadequate and ashamed, because learning that an experienced therapist still struggled with those issues may reduce shame and secrecy, and promote meaningful dialogue and sharing. But my story is not only about sexuality. It’s about how marital conflict can damage self-esteem and ruin love. Bob and I were able to weather our conflicts, find compromises and make peace with each other. I want readers to feel hopeful about long-term love and take away two opposing ideas: be gentle with yourself and your partner, more accepting and less judging, and if you’re thinking about leaving that relationship, ask yourself “What am I doing that’s contributing to the problems?” because being able to step out of your tendency to blame the other can shift everything.

2. As a psychologist, how did your professional background shape your understanding of marriage and personal struggles? Do you think your perspective would have been different without that expertise?

My professional training in marital and sexual issues definitely made me more patient, accepting and forgiving of some of Bob’s behavior than others might have been. I know as I share my story some people will wonder why I stayed with him, but the dominant set of feelings I had for Bob was profound emotional connection, joy in his presence and the strong sense that he was way more right for me than wrong for me. I also had a great deal of empathy and respect for him. I understood his talent and his struggles, and was far less judgmental of him than others might have been because I’ve always been fascinated by what goes on inside of people, and my focus and my work has always been on understanding rather than judging. 

3. Power dynamics and control can subtly shift in relationships. How can people recognize these changes, and what did you observe in your own marriage?

Here’s how you recognize even a subtle shift in power: one of you becomes less willing to accommodate the other’s needs. Success in the world or chronic anger toward the other can shift the balance. The stresses of childrearing can shift power dynamics as well. Sometimes feeling hurt by a partner can result in caring less whether you stay together, and that creates a subtle power shift: the one who has lost faith in the relationship no longer cares to accommodate the other as much. In my own marriage, a number of events shifted the power balance between us – Bob’s career ups and downs, my surprising success with my novel, financial stresses and Bob’s health issues. While Bob endured a grueling chemotherapy, I took over every aspect of our lives. When he recovered, he was profoundly grateful for how I had looked after him and everything else, and he became more giving and respectful than before.

4. In your new book, you explore the natural rhythms of intimacy in long-term relationships. Can you explain this concept and why it’s important?

Long-term relationships expand and contract depending on the circumstances faced. For example, different phases of career may result in greater absence of one partner, which may force the other to tolerate more distance or feel ignored. Times when things are great, and both feel deeply in love, create more intimacy. Over the years every couple goes through crises of one kind or another such as the changes that come with success, the heartbreak of a sick child, a financial loss or big gain, the death of a parent or someone else close, illness or injury to one of the partners. How your partner handles these situations can either bring you closer or push you farther apart. You either feel deep gratitude or a way in which you feel abandoned or angry, but the aggregation of years and experiences together can help give you perspective, foster acceptance and forgiveness, even when your partner doesn’t serve you in the way you want. Being able to have this long view, knowing that in some ways your partner shines and in others disappoints, helps you continue to treasure the relationship despite its shortcomings.

5. Relationship advice often feels one-size-fits-all. How can people in non-traditional relationships find guidance that truly fits their needs?

I do think when seeking guidance, it makes sense to find a therapist or counselor who has experience at working with people in non-traditional relationships. Although I have worked with gay and straight couples, I think the challenges of transgender love, fetishes, sexual compulsions or “open” relationships require a therapist with specific experience and education, and I would seek someone who has that training and expertise. The Psychology Today website is great for that. You key in your city, and a huge list of therapists in your area comes up, with specifics about their specialties, therapeutic training, fees and availability. It’s a great place to start.

Download press kit and photos